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crashmarguliesTW: suicidal ideation (no details) and discussion of dysphoria (vague) and transition details (vague)
Today (I guess yesterday now) was Trans Day of Visibility. I've posted things before on other platforms with much more enthusiasm in years past, but this year I didn't post anything about myself or my gender or attempts at transition.
Often I see trans people posting either intense dysphoria or intense euphoria. I rarely feel either of these things about myself. I suppose this makes sense, as I most accurately describe my gender to my family/friends as "no," but the more threatened trans people are here in the United States, the less real my transness feels.
My short stint on low-dose testosterone brought more of the body changes I didn't want than anything helpful for me (though I've considered restarting it for chronic pain; this is becoming less and less safe or likely). I will not be able to access top surgery in this lifetime, because there is no way I will subject myself to a hospital's infection risks for a cosmetic surgery. I cannot wear a binder--the compression frequently misaligns my hypermobile ribs. instead, I have to wear a steel-bones corset to brace my torso every day, which intensely feminizes my appearance.
I have an X gender marker on my state ID, but it's been expired since November and I havent had the finances, papers, or health to go renew it. I've already discussed with my wife that I'm changing it back to an F if/when I finally go get my new one. So, I pass as cis. So, it's easier to present as cis. So, I guess maybe I'm not very trans to begin with?
I spend a lot of days like TDOV just kind of... frozen. Stuck consuming stories. Wishing I felt emotions that felt real the way other people's lives feel real.
But my life doesn't feel very real, and it never has. And I guess now that I can't leave the house very often, it never will.
So many trans people talk about how transition makes them not want to die. Today, I've been thinking about how I will never get to transition, so maybe I will always want to die.
Today (I guess yesterday now) was Trans Day of Visibility. I've posted things before on other platforms with much more enthusiasm in years past, but this year I didn't post anything about myself or my gender or attempts at transition.
Often I see trans people posting either intense dysphoria or intense euphoria. I rarely feel either of these things about myself. I suppose this makes sense, as I most accurately describe my gender to my family/friends as "no," but the more threatened trans people are here in the United States, the less real my transness feels.
My short stint on low-dose testosterone brought more of the body changes I didn't want than anything helpful for me (though I've considered restarting it for chronic pain; this is becoming less and less safe or likely). I will not be able to access top surgery in this lifetime, because there is no way I will subject myself to a hospital's infection risks for a cosmetic surgery. I cannot wear a binder--the compression frequently misaligns my hypermobile ribs. instead, I have to wear a steel-bones corset to brace my torso every day, which intensely feminizes my appearance.
I have an X gender marker on my state ID, but it's been expired since November and I havent had the finances, papers, or health to go renew it. I've already discussed with my wife that I'm changing it back to an F if/when I finally go get my new one. So, I pass as cis. So, it's easier to present as cis. So, I guess maybe I'm not very trans to begin with?
I spend a lot of days like TDOV just kind of... frozen. Stuck consuming stories. Wishing I felt emotions that felt real the way other people's lives feel real.
But my life doesn't feel very real, and it never has. And I guess now that I can't leave the house very often, it never will.
So many trans people talk about how transition makes them not want to die. Today, I've been thinking about how I will never get to transition, so maybe I will always want to die.
no subject
Date: 7 April 2026 04:36 am (UTC)I always forget holidays until they’ve been and gone. So thanks for reminding me.