it's all just light reflecting

TW: suicidal ideation (no details) and discussion of dysphoria (vague) and transition details (vague)



Today (I guess yesterday now) was Trans Day of Visibility. I've posted things before on other platforms with much more enthusiasm in years past, but this year I didn't post anything about myself or my gender or attempts at transition.

Often I see trans people posting either intense dysphoria or intense euphoria. I rarely feel either of these things about myself. I suppose this makes sense, as I most accurately describe my gender to my family/friends as "no," but the more threatened trans people are here in the United States, the less real my transness feels.

My short stint on low-dose testosterone brought more of the body changes I didn't want than anything helpful for me (though I've considered restarting it for chronic pain; this is becoming less and less safe or likely). I will not be able to access top surgery in this lifetime, because there is no way I will subject myself to a hospital's infection risks for a cosmetic surgery. I cannot wear a binder--the compression frequently misaligns my hypermobile ribs. instead, I have to wear a steel-bones corset to brace my torso every day, which intensely feminizes my appearance.

I have an X gender marker on my state ID, but it's been expired since November and I havent had the finances, papers, or health to go renew it. I've already discussed with my wife that I'm changing it back to an F if/when I finally go get my new one. So, I pass as cis. So, it's easier to present as cis. So, I guess maybe I'm not very trans to begin with?

I spend a lot of days like TDOV just kind of... frozen. Stuck consuming stories. Wishing I felt emotions that felt real the way other people's lives feel real.

But my life doesn't feel very real, and it never has. And I guess now that I can't leave the house very often, it never will.

So many trans people talk about how transition makes them not want to die. Today, I've been thinking about how I will never get to transition, so maybe I will always want to die.

Yesterday (March 15) was Long COVID awareness day and I was too busy taking 3 different rescue meds, shitting myself, vomiting, and then sleeping 14 hours to recover due to symptoms caused by my LC to post about it.

It's embarrassing to be this sick. It's more embarrassing that people are spreading disease that makes people this sick and you don't seem to care!

The only way to avoid long term effects of COVID like these are to avoid catching COVID. Wear a KF94, KN95, N95, or P100 mask without an exhalation valve. Use MERV13 or HEPA filters to clean the air. Once the infrastructure to clean the air is in place EVERYWHERE, masks may be less necessary.

This is directly related to the "Dawn and Crash are Getting ALREADY Married!" post! Find that on Bluesky here, post with embedded images to come hopefully to the blog eventually.

@dawnsupernova, @stink_mikenzie, and myself have all collaborated on this explainer post to introduce people more widely to the concept, since we are more loudly "coming out" as poly in public, though we have all used the label for some time before this.

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What is polyamory?

Translated literally as "many loves," polyamory is a form of nonmonogamy.

Every polyamorous person is going to define this term a little bit differently, but for us this means we can date multiple people, serious or casual, without compromising our existing relationships.

Nonmonogamous relationships can be open or closed. Open relationships mean more partners can be added; closed means agreements have been made between all affected parties that partners should not be added.

Our relationships, in theory, are open, meaning new relationships can start up organically without having to discuss it with existing people right away. In reality, our precautions against airborne viruses means that relationship building is pretty slow.


So are all 3 of you dating?

Not in our case! There are a lot of shapes nonmonogamous relationships can take. The simplest way to picture ours is a "V" shape, with Dawn at the point and Mikki and Crash on the lines.

Crash likes to stretch things a bit more and identifies as a relationship anarchists, meaning romantic relationships are not inherently most important in life and commitment, obligation, and family can take many shapes.



Are you all gay now?

All three of us identify as varying flavors of queer! The specific identities, terms, and flags we use are different from one another.

Also some of us were gay before, thank you very much ;)



How does someone become polyamorous?

Some people (like Mikki) view polyamory as a conscious lifestyle choice, made after discussion and planning with their partner.

Mikki says she sees polyamory as something that aligns with her values, ideals, and ethics, and a logical following for lifestyle changes and choice she has made in the last several years.

Other people (like Crash) may see poly or nonmonogamy as inherent to their thinking or being. Crash considers being nonmanogamous as essential to their building and understanding of relationships, and considers the picture of their sexual and romantic orientation (their queerness) incomplete without it.

Dawn seems to be the third, middle overlap point in this Venn diagram, having feelings in both directions!



Isn't this bigamous?

Bigamy is mostly a legal definition. As long as no one tries to legally have more than one spouse, bigamy does not apply.



Is anyone divorced or getting divorced?

Crash is already divorced, but not from anyone in this situation.



Aren't you jealous?

Sometimes! Most people who live nonmonogamously will give the same advice about jealousy: it is pointing to an un- or under-met need you have (and therefore you need to communicate to your partner at a more neutral moment) or a trigger you need to address / watch out for.

Therapy is great for this, if you can access it. So are slow, patient, and well-intentioned conversations with your partners and, when you are willing and able to have them, your partners' partners (often called metamours).



Do you...?

...live together?

Not all poly situations do, but yes, we do! At least the three main people we've been speaking about (Crash, Dawn, and Mikki.)

We live at the house Crash calls "Cat House" on their blog.

...sleep in the same bed?

Nope / not always! We each have our own rooms, for various personal reasons, including mismatched sleep and work schedules and Crash's health requiring a lot of horizontal alone time.

Sometimes Dawn sleeps or naps with a partner because snuggles are nice.

...do sex things together?

Unless you are asking to do sex things with one of us, this information is not for you! :)


What does this mean for having kids?

We don't plan on having any kids, except our furry (step)sons Jaywalker (whose other step-parent is Void) and Gideon.


If you have other, unanswered questions, both Dawn and Crash have volunteered to answer them! Mikki would prefer to be left in her cone of mostly silence where she does her best work.

Cheers!

- The Cat House Crew