Today's medical test: normal results, terrible experience

[crashmargulies]

I had a medical appointment this morning that started with an immediate denial that we would find anything on the test, moved on to light antisemitism (people love to give me interrogation about my surname), and ended with a suggestion that "people like me" are usually dealing with adrenaline stored in the muscles (apparently, from my "history of anxiety") and that makes things "kind of uncomfortable."

 

Unfortunately this doctor is one of two medical professionals in my state with knowledge about autonomic issues, so the fact that I am symptomatic and yet coming up fine on those diagnostics now means I will get no help in that area at all, because I don't have an option of seeking a second opinion.

 

Not receiving a diagnosis also means it doesn't make sense to apply again for SSDI, despite the fact that I've been out of work for 18 months.

 

The only assistance I've managed to claw my way since having still-unexplained neurological episodes is SNAP/EBT, which of course Trump has blocked from receiving funds so far for November. I don't qualify for cash assistance, despite not having an income at all, so if I can't buy it with SNAP funds, I can't buy it at all.

 

This also means all the recommended OTC medications from all my doctors have to be either skipped or begged from family and friends. Since I max out OTC painkillers every day without even adding supplements and such, that's quite a burden to place on other people.

 

More and more I find myself asking where the line is between useful and not useful; between the expense of energy it takes me to live and the output that that life has.

 

I will probably never do most of the things I've imagined doing. I need to be plied with chemicals to be awake, the. to sleep again. To handle food, to digest the food. To tolerate things like "sitting up" and "walking through the grocery store."

 

I understand that people can, do, and want to have intense optimism about their own pain and health. But I don't have that about mine and it's becoming difficult to love a life that is mostly full of these sensation. Of pain management every second of every day. Some people live despite or in spite of the pain. I don't know that I have the fortitude to do that.

 

I do know that in tired of begging professionals for help that they won't give me, at that eventually if they don't help me find a path forward with less pain, I will. It just won't be the one they want me to pick.